To not question why am here. Why I breathe. To live. To love to live. To never wallow in the whys and hows do I do this! Why do I get up! Why I never stop! To know when to sigh, gasp for air. In glee and desire for satisfaction breath life into my sooty soul, to smile at the dim light my eyes light and whisper, “Shilla you’re young, no you’re an old soul, you’re doing fine.”
I cringe away from everything called good, not because I take delight in the vile!
I want to see people eat and laugh, I just can’t be at the table. And no matter how bad my heart wants to dine, I know for sure my brain rebels in the belief that I am a lone wolf! That I do not belong here. And it’s not that I didn’t need anyone! The truth is, no one needed me here!
Not in pride no, but being built in the belief that I belong alone! So sorry that my damaged self doesn’t know how to respond when someone genuinely loves me. So I run for the reasons that I want to stay. Don’t know how to react when I see you wounded. As good as I am in words I can’t give condolences coz I feel I’ll hurt you a bit more than you already are. I can’t say sorry when you’re sick because I don’t know how to behave to wounds! Ignored my own till they became scars so I ignore yours too and assume you’ll be okay over time!
Sorry I fail as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter in a variety of ways. Sorry, my rage beats my humanity.
Thus depression has become my new sanity fighting to survive in a mind that wants to die! Am even more sorry that I like it like this! I hate themes full of remorse, I prefer the moments when my mind takes charge. When the heart does, things go way hay!
Too meek I make mistakes in attempts to right my wrongs. The critics choke me to the core so now I deliberately do wrong!
I’ll not use my being human as an excuse to color my flaws white! I am a villain in stories people haven’t read out loud, or maybe I am my mother’s nightmare, or again the bad idea that was still an idea!
Allow me, please!
So you sip your juice and judge me please vice Jesus!! for I am a sinner! And my nudity unveils at the touch of ink!! Anytime I sat to pen down, I only ever penned pictures of me photographers couldn’t take!