SOLACE

For the moments when lust beat love and enmity beat friendship,chaos beat peace and body beat soul,lost myself in my moments of weakness and let my emotions cloud my judgement. The times when my soul lost and my body won. I defiled my peace and insulted my brain with all the mistakes I made with the excuse of I only live once and tomorrow is not promised. Died a million deaths on my own accord and still craved peace while I churned chaos.

For those days when I hated my existence and questioned my life,bottled my vulnerability in loud laughter and unmatched generosity. That I poured too much even when my cup was dry,too human I assumed am human too. So hard on myself I sold the villain and caged up the me everyone once knew to kill expectations.

The times when I wanted to scream but smiled instead,didn’t realize I was ruining myself. So then my audience requested comfort in my writings,asked for hope said my acrimony was killing them too. So sad I couldn’t give something I’ve never really had. So clutched to acrimony I sought peace in self-harm to guage my sanity before an asylum becomes essential for my saving. Knew I’ve been the demon am fighting so long now but still like all humans I found people to blame. so I balmed up my flaws and coloured my red flags white so no one could see the vile. Too mean I break hearts and dine at my doing but what my victims never know is that,me hurting them breaks me more than it breaks them. For solace I seek refuge at the mercy of mother nature and serve myself a bit of karma before my grace period for redemption runs out. So I sabotage my good,and ruin my own happiness,leave for the reasons I want to stay. In that quest I am a sadist to those that adored me and too kind to the wicked maybe trying to get bait for my own sins so I won’t have so much guilt to haunt me when I sit alone.
To the failures I gassed up till they became victories and to my achievements that I trashed because I was less worthy of celebrating. I am mostly sorry to my heart that I broke it so much so I couldn’t be vulnerable. Am tagged strong for the tears I never let out but maybe I was my own ruin. Too damaged made an exit in this arena but the heart always goes back where it feels home and only writing keeps me sane. Too ashamed to pen my nudity but am graced with the fact that I know am not the only one,never been,never will be. You won’t say it but atleast I said it for us both🤝