Ah,a minute. No maybe 1.5. About that time I couldn’t write. I mean I couldn’t hold a pen still because my hands were full holding my small castle. That moment I was excited,way too happy to want to write.
Yes,sorry,I need pain,I need anxiety and everything that weighs me down so I can get a hold of pen and my mind can stitch words in a way my mouth won’t.
Alas! Two decades and the only time I didn’t want to get this blank spaces filled with pain was this once. I’d pause a lifetime to live the same day over and over till I close my eyes in death.
You haven’t tasted the sauce burning me up like an 8 year old excited to see her dad back from the army.
Owh wait,did I say 8? No I meant a 17 year old bitch kissing a boy’s lips for the first time haha! That frenzy you’re sent to imagining yourself changing diapers and being thrown out of your father’s house.
Queen your dad said you’re a princess,sorry sweetie,he lied to you.
Anyway I was,lived and walked in an era,an era my generation will hear of. I did it alone,did it broken, did it damaged and still somehow I walk head high in glee that I won this fight between a mind and heart that existed in a body that wanted to die mixed up in the desire to be art.
What am I? I am ART. In my way. My way because I am not asking you to agree,no, no,but breath if you agree that this is a goddess in mind and body.
My sanity won,I found peace in the same places chaos norished. Like a snake I shed off my skin just to watch myself breath. Self sabotaged to save me from me and pulled myself off pits. Found pleasure in moments of weakness that saved me a lifetime of wishes. Owh,I wanted to cry and scream at the same time but tears do me no good,I know because I’ve cried before. Huh! I’m proud,of me!
Wait,you thought I hated me because I was suicidal for 2 decades? I wanted to die but still in adoration for myself, I’ve been mine even before I’ve been anyone else’s.
And for the first time I write to release joy in place of pain,my heart doesn’t bleed via this ink. It takes everything to get naked on paper like this.
Everything because all I know right,is how to stitch words.
When I touch pen and paper, everything falls in the right place,it’s all I know!