Faded

I am at that place, not at the edge np, I was stuck at the edge trying to fight, fought so hard, and kept swimming as I drowned. Now I am at that place, beaten, defeated, lay out in the sun, the rays burn my nudity to shame me. I was scared, I am scared of writing because I don’t want anyone telling me not to give up when clearly I have. Not to lose myself when I already did that now I just wallow in the pain inflicted by the mistakes executed by my sadness.

I am most afraid of mercy, being given that pity look that kills quicker than poison should. It’s not sadness, it’s depressing depression, the kind that gives birth to depression youngins. Too strong for too long that weakness has now blown up on me just to consume my strength now; am weak. I bow in shame of defeat and intimidation of saving.

I am used to being the savior, the refuge who will give up whatever just to see someone else happy that I’d cut my skin to cover theirs. Today I need a savior, I am drowning in this deep end and my hands won’t flap. The mistakes I’ve made at the edge before I fell here won’t stop gnawing me, so rough I can barely hold it all in. How then am I still here, my heart beating when I’ve lost hope?

Owh sorry! Often I shoved myself off to talk about and everyone living. Sidelined survivors like myself because no saving can do me good! I have given up! And everything am doing now is because I don’t see light so I don’t know if am in a tunnel or a pit. But I am in a dark place begging GOD for I don’t know what. I just know I am suffocated by breath. I want to cry and laugh at the same time but instead, I scream. Silent screams, deafening silent screams of hopelessness. I am here but barely here.