Trauma is a response, not a memory. It’s a result of who and why. The unanswered queries of your past and extended present. The old pieces of cloth that don’t fit now but you can’t throw them because they mean a lot. It starts off with sadness and grief. It blossoms in the soul and mind. Outraged comes out in different forms, it comes as hate, spite, anger, short temper, and low self-esteem. It comes out too loud or too silent. It kills the mind’s eye and opens a portal in the soul. A door that externals will use to gaslight you, to enrage you. It leaves you vulnerable and meek.
Trauma hides in self-hate, in wickedness, in rudeness. So long I defend the villain because villains are just misunderstood heroes. You remain stuck at the age where you felt the most pain. The years pass by, but you never really grow up. You’re stuck at twelve when you felt most unworthy. You want to make a life out of yourself now but somehow you still visit the remnants of what used to be. There’s that flatter in depression because the causes of your trauma were also the causes of your happiness. So I tend to believe that trauma is just compressed happiness that was sabotaged by sadness. I tend to think that it’s your imagination of the opposite that keeps you stuck in anxiety. That moment when you were at your lowest, you were low because there were chances of being at your highest but it never happened like that. So you succumbed to self-pity. You hated the universe for your own expectations. But then what? There’s no manual to life, you just live it. There’s no warning, no nothing. Everyone is just trying to survive. Survival mode is ancient, it’s the roots of our existence.
There must be lows to recognize the highs. It’s in our highest moments that we look back and weep, not for happiness as we call it more often. There are no tears of joy! We cry because of the lows we never thought would one day come to an end. When a cruel kingdom falls, its residents are happy that even though things will get tough without leadership, at least nobody will oppress them. Because real leaders do not oppress, you all heard of the one that died for HIS people. HE died so we’d live but still… To some that weren’t enough, they had bloody knuckles that only wanted to be superior. It won’t always be like this though, because the universe never stops it keeps moving, it doesn’t move alone, we move along with it. Along the way we create merit, and the merit you create eliminates you or preserves you.
The traumatic experiences call for outlets because giving up is not an option. Cutting the rope loose, and letting go is not an option. Get there exhausted and beaten, get there dusty and worn out, because if you succumb, you’re weak. Choosing to die is a sign of weakness. Dying for nothing is a foolish loss. Die for a purpose, do not just die because you got tired! Make good use of life. Die for the living! Die a legend, not just a person who lost to situations. Do not die because you’re depressed, or you feel empty. Shove that off! If you get tired and there’s no way to rest, then take a leave and come right back. Do not just drown in your trauma, no way you can let emotion take charge of you. Decisions based on emotions are mostly weak, at times wrong. You cage your heart up a bit and use your head. But sometimes it’s not just the heart that breaks, the mind breaks along with it. Or how did you imagine migraines get you? Depression itself becomes depressing. Tired of being tired so you just lay in the cages built up in your head and turn numb.
You’re dormant to life, and lose interest in everything you used to love. Nothing matters now! You become immune to disappointments, you’re vaccinated by your past you can feel no more pain, and you can’t get hurt anymore. You heal from being suicidal just to get diagnosed with being murderous. Yes, I said murderous! You don’t want to die at this point. You want people dead instead! Imagine a massacre, create deaths and funerals in your brain. Think about it more than you breathe. It’s all a traumatic response. Your eyes roam your head. Inside there is a world bigger than the one you’re living in. Too big you spent more time in it than out.
Because you’ve been abused before doesn’t mean you’ll always be oppressed. You can choose to live your mind behind. Escape the wild imaginations. It’s impossible not to imagine when all you’ve done is imagine.
Sorting distraction is half an option. A therapist is the other half. You wrap it all up and maybe you won’t heal, but you’ll have an outlet. A way to live like it never happened!
Choose you, choose sanity. Stand up for yourself! Even if it means people will die for you to live. Choose life! Choose you!